A new Netflix eight-part mini-series called Indian Matchmaking has been sparking a big debate online because of how it shines a spotlight on what one observer called “Brahmanical patriarchy … shaped by gender, caste, and economic relationships.”

The show tells the story of arranged marriages from the perspective of a famous matchmaker who uses “biodata” to connect people. Watching it reminded me how lucky I am to be married to an amazing woman, along with just how stupid most of us can be when describing who we think our “ideal” mate should be (including how they focus on skin color, height and economic status).

In the show, as in real life, the people who seem to find a connection most easily are the ones who are flexible enough to accept and love someone as they are, rather than trying to shape them into who they imagine they want their perfect spouse to be.